Mom and daughters ..honeymoon

A mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short
period of time.

Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. She made them
all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with few words on how
marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said
nothing but "Nescafe":
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe
jar.
It said. "Good till the last drop". Mom blushed, but was pleased for her
daughter.


The second daughter sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the
card read: "Benson & Hedges".
Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson & Hedges pack:
"Extra long king-size" She was slightly embarrassed but still happy for her
daughter.


The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week,
nothing, Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a
card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words, "British Airways".
Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine flipped through the pages
fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA.
The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted

little john and teacher

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot
one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with they first
gun shot"
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the
triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the
cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding
ring on, but I like your thinking.

Leave and applications ... funny

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India ...

1. Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."


13. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'...As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Moral of the day

There is this Fisherman, Let's call him Vishy (rhymes with Fishy).
Vishy goes out fishing each morning,
casts his net and gathers his catch and sells them in the market and makes a
living out of it.

On one occasion he gets up too early and sleep eludes him.

So he decides to go fishing any way it's too dark to go fishing,
so he strolls by the Bank of the River and waits for the Sun to appear he
stumbles upon a sack.




This sack is a bit heavy and there were some pebbles in it Now,
when u have a river and a sack of pebbles and a lot of time to kill,
the logical thing to do is to throw the pebbles into the river.





Vishy did just the same.

He tried all the things we do Throwing it as far as possible,

as high as possible, make the pebbles bounce as many times an possible.....



Now with just one stone remaining,
the sun rose the stone in his hand began to glow as well damn!



The stone was a diamond!!!!





That's when he realized that all those pebbles
he had thrown away were actually Precious Stones!!!


End of Story!





Moral is ...





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Don't get up too early in the morning

Mother and daughter phone call

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listenedwith
relief to the kindly voice in her ear.

"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had sucha
bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven'thad a
chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and Ihave to
hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposedto have two
couples over for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy.

"Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in
half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook yourdinner for
you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'llbe at your house
to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'lldo everything. In
fact, I'll evencall George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and
help outfor once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!... Isn't this 223-1374?"

"No, this is 232-1374."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said,

"Does this mean you're not coming over?"

Little jhonny

The teacher at the beginning of the class says, "OK kids, we are going to talk about sexual education today. First we'll talk about how the human reproduction goes on..."
Immediately, little Johnny raises his hand, and desperately tries to get the teacher's attention. But the teacher, knowing how little Johnny is about these things, goes on...
"... First, a man a woman have to be in love... " But little Johnny keeps his hand up, waving it up and down, and from one side to the other one.
The teacher ignores him.."..They have to be very much in love because..."
But now little Johnny even starts making noise with his feet, so the teacher decides to acknowledge him.
" OK! Little Johnny. What do you want to say?"
Little Johnny then stands up, and says, "I just wanted to ask. Those of us who have fucked already, can we leave?"

Relationship

My wife and I are in our midlife, sexually she is more in it than myself. So

I am a man trying to trick her back in youth by hook and crook.

Long captive in married knot of some twenty five years, I took a look at my wife

one day and I said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa
bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night with a hot 22 year old beautiful woman. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed
and plasma screen TV, but I am sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me
that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is an affectionate and convincing woman. She told me with love

to fulfill my desires I should go out and find myself a hot 22 years old beautiful woman, and

she would make sure

that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,

driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.... perhaps alone.

women cry ..watch her eyes

A little boy asked his mother, 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm a woman,' she told him.

'I don't understand,' he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, 'And you never will.'

Later the little boy asked his father, 'Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?'

'All women cry for no reason,' was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry..

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, 'God, why do women cry so easily?'

God said

'When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.'

'You see my son,' said God, 'the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.'

need cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?”

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,
 Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. Thats against the law! I'll lose my license! Theyll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied," Well
now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. "

Parents ..Children

This was narrated by an IAF pilot to IIT students during a Seminar on Human Relations:

Venkatesh Balasubramaniam describes how his gesture of booking an air ticket for his father, his maiden flight, brought forth a rush of emotions and made him (Venkatesh) realize that how much we all take for granted when it comes to our parents. My parents left for our native place on Thursday and we went to the airport to see them off. In fact, my father had never traveled by air before, so I just took this opportunity to make him experience the same.

In spite of being asked to book tickets by train, I got them tickets on Jet Airways. The moment I handed over the tickets to him, he was surprised to see that I had booked them by air. The excitement was very apparent on his face, waiting for the time of travel. Just like a school boy, he was preparing himself on that day and we all went to the airport, right from using the trolley for his luggage, the baggage check-in and asking for a window seat and waiting restlessly for the security check-in to happen. He was thoroughly enjoying himself and I, too, was overcome with joy watching him experience all these things. As they were about to go in for the security check-in, he walked up to me with tears in his eyes and thanked me. He became very emotional and it was not as if I had done something great but the fact that this meant a great deal to him.

When he said thanks, I told him there was no need to thank me. But later, thinking about the entire incident, I looked back at my life. As a child, how many dreams our parents have made come true. Without understanding the financial situation, we ask for cricket bats, dresses, toys, outings, etc. Irrespective of their affordability, they have catered to all our needs. Did we ever think about the sacrifices they had to make to accommodate many of our wishes? Did we ever say thanks for all that they have done for us? Same way, today when it comes to our children, we always think that we should put them in a good school.

Regardless of the amount of donation, we will ensure that we will have to give the child the best, theme parks, toys, etc. But we tend to forget that our parents have sacrificed a lot for our sake to see us happy, so it is our responsibility to ensure that their dreams are realized and what they failed to see when they were young. It is our responsibility to ensure that they experience all those and their life is complete. Many times, when my parents had asked me some questions, I have actually answered back without patience. When my daughter asks me something, I have been very polite in answering. Now I realize how they would have felt at those moments. Let us realize that old age is a second childhood and just as we take care of our children, the same attention and same care needs to be given to our parents and elders. Rather than my dad saying thank you to me, I would want to say sorry for making him wait so long for this small dream. I do realize how much he has sacrificed for my sake and I will do my best to give the best possible attention to all their wishes. Just because they are old does not mean that they will have to give up everything and keep sacrificing for their grandchildren also. They have wishes, too.

- Take care of your Parents.
- THEY BROUGHT US INTO THIS WORLD,
- GAVE US ALL THEY HAD AND
- MADE US WHAT WE ARE.
- THEY ARE PRECIOUS.

- KEEP THIS MESSAGE GOING BY SENDING IT TO YOUR FRIENDS

Born Brave .. by padma

wife or mistress

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The accountant said: "I like both."

"Both?" The other two asked

The accountant replied: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Mischievous Brothers

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If
any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in
BIG trouble this time.....
("I just LOVE reading next line again and again")
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GOD is missing, and they think we did it...!

Mother and daughter banned in disney

MOTHER AND DAUGHTER BANNED FOR LIFE FROM DISNEYLAND this has got to be one of the funniest things going around the computer...............wonder where they got the nerve ?

Ram and ravan

One fine morning, Ravan felt guilty day for all his bad deeds. He felt that

he
should go an apologise to Ram for all the problems he had caused.

So he went to Ram's house and knocked on the door. Ram
opened the door and was surprised to find Ravan standing there. Ravan just
kept staring and thinking

but didn't say a word.

What was he thinking?

Ans: "Kis mooh se maafi maangoon?"

Ant and elephant

Once 3 ants were walking down the road.....where they came across an
elephant.... 1 asked the 2nd 'chal saale ko maarte hain kya???bahut natak
kar
raha hai??'
to this the 2nd says no

why????

socho

arre coz the 3rd says 'jaane de na yaar.....woh akela hain hum toh teen
hain!!!!!'

theif

Ek aadami chori karke bhag ke chupane ki koshish karata hain..
who kitana bhi andar chupane ki koshish kare phir bhi police ko bahar dikh
jata hain..
bolo q??

bolo q???

bolo q???

q kyo ki uska nam JASBA hain.. aur AGAR JASBA HO ANDAR TO DIKHATA
HAIN BAHAR..

Java

Teacher asks a Kid: What r the 2 latest versions of java??

kid says.....
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Marjava & Lutjava!!
Ishq me dil kya jaan b tere kar java o java. java

Shah rukh khan

what is plural of SHAH RUKH KHAN???
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Ans - ICICI Bank
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bcos-
SHAH RUKH KHAN - Main hoon na

n

ICICI Bank - Hum hain na

Letters

ITS A 7 LETTER WORD.
IF WE REMOVE 1 LETTER FROM IT, IT REMAINS SAME.
IF WE REMOVE 2 LETTERS FROM IT, IT REMAINS SAME.
IF WE REMOVE 3 LETTERS FROM IT, IT REMAINS SAME.
IF WE REMOVE ALL THE LETTERS FROM IT, STILL IT REMAINS SAME.
WHATZ IT ?

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POSTBOX

First lady to travel

who was the first indian woman to fly abroad????

SITA with Ravan to Lanka!

Knees

what do u call a person with two knees...??

socho....

dho-nii...!!

what do u call a person with 3 knees...??

...??

nee-teen.... .(nitin)

now wat do u call a person with 6 knees...?!

....

saha-nii.... .(sahanee)

wat do u call a person with 9 knees...?!

.....

...

nitin sahanee..!!! !

Pipal Tree

what will u call a rope that is used tied between 2 pipal trees ?

ans: nokia ( connecting pipal )

Ant and Elephant joke

All ants were bathing in a pool...
Just then an eleplant comes and jumps in the pool..
All ants get out of water...
One ant climbs at the back of the elephant.. and all other ants start
shouting at him...

Now the question is what do they tell him???

Socho socho...

Socho socho.....

all ants start saying....
"DUBA DUBA KE MAAR SALE KO...."

Some facts about sree rama navami

Rama Navami
Observed by Hinduism
Type Birthday of Rama
Ends Ninth day of Navami
Date April
2008 date April 14
Celebrations 2 days
Ram Navami is a Hindu holiday. It falls on the ninth day of the Hindu lunar year (or Chaitra Masa Suklapaksha Navami), and is a celebration of the birthday of the Hindu god Rama.

The story behind Ram's birth goes as below: Dasarath, The King of Ayodhya Kingom had three wives, Kaushalya, Sumithra and Kaikeyi. Their greatest worry was that they had no children. At that time Maharshi Vasist suggests him to perform Puthra Kamesti Yagna, through which he can have children. He also tells him to bring Maharshi Rushya Shrunga to perform this Yagna for him. Immmediately King Dasharath gives his consent, and heads to Maharshi Rushya Shrunga's ashram, to get him. Maharshi agrees and will accompany Dasharath to Ayodhya(Capital of Avadha) and performs the yagna. As the result of yagna, Yagneshwar appears and hands Dasarath a bowl of Payasam and asks him to give it to his wives. Dasharath gives one half of the payasam to his elder wife Kausalya, and another half to his younger wife Kaikeyi. They both give half of their
portions to Sumithra. After few days all three Queens conceive. On the nineth day (Navami) of Chaithra Masa (First month in hindu calender), at noon Kaushlya gives birth to Lord Sri Ram, Kaikeyi gives birth to Bharath, and Sumithra to twin boys, Lakshman and Shatrughan.

Lord Ram is the seventh incarnation of Lord Vishnu, who takes birth on earth when Adharma over rules Dharma. He protects all his devotees by vanishing the roots of Adharma. Lord Ram was born on earth to destroy the demon named Ravan.

Hindus normally perform Kalyanotsavam (marriage celebration) with small murtis of Rama and Sita in their houses, and at the end of the day the deity is taken to a procession on the streets. This day also marks the end of the nine-day utsavam called Chaitra Navaratri (Maharashtra) or Vasanthothsavam (Andhra Pradesh) (festival of Spring), which starts with Gudi Padwa (Maharashtra) or Ugadi (South India). According to recent astrological studies, his year of birth is consider to be January 10, 5114 B.C [1][2]

Some highlights of this day are-

Kalyanam (Ceremonial wedding performed by temple priests) at Bhadrachalam on the banks of the river Godavari in Khammam district. Panakam, a sweet drink prepared on this day with jaggery and pepper. Procession of idols in the evening that is accompanied
with play of water and colours. For the occasion, Hindus are supposed to fast (or
restrict themselves to a specific diet). Temples are decorated and readings of the Ramayana take place. Along with Shri Ram, people also pray Sita (Ram's
wife), Lakshman (his brother who went on exile with him) and Hanuman (monkey god, ardent devotee of Ram and Ram's chief of army).

Sri-Ramnavami is dedicated to the memory of Lord Rama. It occurs on the ninth day (navami). The festival commemorates the birth of Rama who is remembered for his prosperous and righteous reign.

[edit] Ramrajya (the reign of Rama) has become synonymous with a period of peace and prosperity. Mahatma Gandhi also used this term to describe how, according to him,
India should be after Independence.

Ramnavami occurs in the months of March and April. Celebrations begin with a prayer to the Sun early in the morning. At midday, when Lord Rama is supposed to have been born, a special prayer is performed. In northern India especially, an event that draws popular participation is the Ramnavami procession. The main attraction in this procession is a gaily decorated chariot in which four persons are dressed up as Rama, his brother Laxman, his queen Sita and his disciple Hanuman. The chariot is accompanied by several other persons dressed up in ancient costumes as work by Rama's solders. The procession is a gusty affair with the participants shouting praises echoing the happy days of Rama's reign.

On the face of it Sri-Ramnavmi appears to be just a festival commemorating the reign of a king who was later deified. But even behind present-day traditions there are clues which unmistakably point to the origin of Ramnavmi as lying beyond the Ramayana story.

Sri Ramnavami occurs at the beginning of summer when the sun has started moving nearer to the northern hemisphere. The Sun is considered to be the progenitor of Rama's dynasty which is called the Sun dynasty. This dynasty is famous for great kings like King
Dileep, King Raghu and many others. In all King Raghu was noted to stand for his word. Following the foot prints of his great ancestor King Raghu, Lord Rama too went to jungles to keep the promises made by his father Dasarath to his step mother Kaikeyi. Hence Rama came to be known as Raghunatha, Raghupati, Raghavendra etc. That all these names begin with the prefix Raghu is also suggestive of some link with Sun-worship. The hour chosen for the observance of the lord's birth is that when the sun is overhead and is at its maximum brilliance. In some Hindu sects, prayers on Ramnavami
day start not with an invocation to Rama but to Surya (sun). Again the syllable Ra is used in the word to describe the sun and brilliance in many languages. In Sanskrit, Ravi and Ravindra mean Sun.

Significantly, the ancient Egyptians termed the sun as Amon Ra or simply as "Ra." In Latin the syllable Ra is used to connote light. For example, we have Radiance which emission of light, or Radium which means any substance emitting light or brilliance. The common element is the syllable Ra which in many languages is used to derive words for describing Sun or light.

The occurrence of this syllable in most names used for Rama along with other clues is strongly suggestive that the festival Ramnavami antedates the R- ayana and it must have originated much before the Ramayana, as a 'Sun-festival' for invoking the Sun who was recognized as the source of light and heat even in ancient times. The importance of the Sun was much more in the higher latitudes from where the Aryans are supposed to have
migrated into India. Many royal dynasties portrayed symbols of virility like the Sun, Eagle, Lion etc. as their progenitor. Rama's dynasty considered themselves to have descended from the Sun. This could have led to the tagging on, of Rama's birthday to a festival devoted to the sun.

Knotted rope

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding, they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks with a sly grin, "What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They`re roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!" while trying to hide her knowing expression.
After a few more hours of driving, they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They`re roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others` bodies. The bride discovers her husband`s privates.
"What is that?" she asks.
"That`s my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks.
"They`re my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband asks, "What`s the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope.

Weight loss

baba Ramdeve said,
{sabha mein} ketane logo ne apana wait kam kiya hai.

one women- Baba maine, do din me 10 kg loose kiya.

Baba-kaise, sabako bataoo.

Women- main pregnent thee dilevery ho gayee

ha......ha.............ha................ :-)