Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts

Monday, March 28, 2016

Dont mess with wives





After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed. He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases. On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things. On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was… he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS. :) -
















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All the messagesbelow are just forwarded messages if some one feels hurt about it please add your comments we will remove the post.Host/author is not responsible for these posts.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

INTELLIGENT ROMANCE

Husband : Wow, you look pink. ?? Wife:"When your lovely words touch the bundle branches of the circulation system of my heart, it starts beating faster & increased output is transmitted to adrenals which start secreting glucon to increase blood glucose level & to combat this emergency, Pituitary output also increases which raises blood estrogen level, Causing vasodilation and I look PINK... . . .

MORAL:"If your Wife is well qualified and intelligent, don't ask questions."





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All the messagesbelow are just forwarded messages if some one feels hurt about it please add your comments we will remove the post.Host/author is not responsible for these posts.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Presentation makes the difference

2 Women chatting in office..




Woman 1:" I had a fine evening, how was

yours.. ??

.

Woman 2:" It was a disaster.. My husband came

home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep..

How was yours.. ?? .



Woman 1:" Oh it was amazing! My husband came

home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After

dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came

home he lit the candles around the house..It was

like a fairy tale! .



At the same time, their husbands are talking at

work..



Husband 1:" How was your evening.. ??

.

Husband 2:" Great.. I came home, dinner was on

the table, I ate and fell asleep.

What about you ??

.

Husband 1:" It was horrible. I came home, there's

no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot

topay the bill; so I took her outfor dinner which

was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a

cab.

We walked home which took an hour and when

we got home i remembered there was no

electricity so I had to light candles all over the

house!!



Moral:" Presentation does matter.. No matter what

the reality is..
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All the messagesbelow are just forwarded messages if some one feels hurt about it please add your comments we will remove the post.Host/author is not responsible for these posts.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Mindset.. Wife & Husband


Husband: Mom called me and she is coming tomorrow. Her train will reach by morning 4 o clock!!!

Wife: She came just 4 months back only right? Why is she coming now again? Tomorrow is Sunday I thought of getting up late but your mom had to come on a Sunday itself and that too morning 4 o clock.

Where will she even get an auto at that time?

Husband : Not my mom, your mom is coming!!!

Wife: Wow!!! Mom is coming. It’s been more than 2 months I have seen her.

Listen na, I have the number of the auto driver please call him and tell to come in time tomorrow morning.

Its good, tomorrow is Sunday, even the kids will be home as don’t have school. They can play with their grandmother.

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 All the messagesbelow are just forwarded messages if some one feels hurt about it please add your comments we will remove the post.Host/author is not responsible for these posts.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Lucky Doctor

One morning at a doctor's clinic, a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

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The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and hewas dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that's how I strained my back"

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The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you?"

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He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

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The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do.

The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

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"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor........



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All the messages below are just forwarded messages if some one feels hurt about it please add your comments we will remove the post.Host/author is not responsible for these posts.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Perfect Husband

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: ‘Hello

WOMAN: ‘Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?

MAN: ‘Yes

WOMAN: ‘I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN: ‘Sure ¦go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: ‘How much?

WOMAN: ‘$70,000?

MAN: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing ¦ The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000?

MAN: ‘Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.

WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!

MAN: ‘Bye! I love you, too.

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open ¦..

He smiles and asks, ‘Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?

Saturday, December 13, 2008

husband,wife and blind man

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 8Children... A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!! The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus! So shut up and keep walking!!!!"

Friday, October 31, 2008

wife vs husband ..wife wins allways

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'


'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...


The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;


God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!'



The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Software guy and his wife

Message #77226 of 77281 < Prev | Next >

A conversation between a husband, who is software professional n his wife.

HUSBAND - HAI DEAR,I AM LOGGED IN.

WIFE - WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SOME SNACKS

HUSBAND - HARD DISK FULL.

WIFE - HAVE YOU BROUGHT THE SAREE.

HUSBAND - BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME.

WIFE - BUT I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT IN MORNING

HUSBAND - ERRONEOUS SYNTAX, ABORT, RETRY, CANCEL.

WIFE - HAE BHAGWAN ! FORGET IT WHERE'S YOUR SALARY.

HUSBAND - FILE IN USE, READ ONLY, TRY AFTER SOME TIME.

WIFE - ATLEAST GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD, I CAN DO SOME SHOPPING.

HUSBAND - SHARING VIOLATION, ACCESS DENIED.

WIFE - I MADE A MISTAKE IN MARRYING YOU.

HUSBAND - DATA TYPE MISMATCH.

WIFE - YOU ARE USELESS.

HUSBAND - BY DEFAULT.

WIFE - WHO WAS THERE WITH YOU IN THE CAR THIS MORNING?

HUSBAND - SYSTEM UNSTABLE PRESS CTRL, ALT, DEL TO REBOOT.

WIFE - WHAT IS MY VALUE IN YOUR LIFE?

HUSBAND - UNKNOWN VIRUS DETECTED.

WIFE - DO YOU LOVE ME OR YOUR COMPUTER?

HUSBAND - TOO MANY PARAMETERS.

WIFE - I WILL GO TO MY DADS HOUSE.

HUSBAND - PROGRAM PERFORMED ILLEGAL OPERATION,IT WILL CLOSE.

WIFE - I WILL LEAVE YOU FOR EVER.

HUSBAND - CLOSE ALL PROGRAMS & LOG OUT FOR ANOTHER USER.

WIFE - It IS WORTHLESS TALKING TO YOU.

HUSBAND - SHUT DOWN THE COMPUTER.

WIFE - I AM GOING

HUSBAND - ITS NOW SAFE TO TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER.

Monday, September 29, 2008

wife from hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'


The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'


The wife smiles demurely and says 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'


As the officer makes out the 2nd ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

'Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'


The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'


The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'


The wife says, 'Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt while you're driving.'


And as the police officer is writing out the 3rd ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???'


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


'Only when he's been drinking.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Out of box thinking

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why
don't we pretend that we're married?"

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.


And s
he said.
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"Then get
up and take it yourself"!! :)))))

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Religious husband

 HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM CHURCH; 
HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP.
 HE THEN CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE. 
THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED'
DID THE BISHOP PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC'?
 THE HUSBAND SAID, 'NO, HE SAID WE MUST 
CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS'. 
 

men dont understand really

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched
her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.*

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, as
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little "0ral sex" will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close
the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The
nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked

black condom

This just-married white couple decided to make love on the wedding
night
in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to
get
pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from a shop nearby.

When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in bed with all
the lights switched off. While the husband is out, a thief came into
the
room. The wife did not notice this and thought that it was her husband.
She grabs the man and happily begins doing it with him.

Afterwards, the wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep almost
immediately. In the mean time, the husband had a hard time looking for
a
shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that
he had only 20 cents on him. He asked the shop owner to sell him one
condom and the shop owner asks him which he wants....

"The white condom, the lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black
condoms, which are of average quality, are 20 cents each. And the
purple
condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each." The husband, wanting the
best condom for the money he had on him, bought the black condom. When
he reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.

Without a warning, he jumps onto his wife and started making love. The
wife was surprised that the husband was as energetic as she enjoyed the
session.

Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. Years
later,
when the boy grows up, he asks the father "Pa, why I am black and you
are white?"

To which the father replies "You are damn lucky already, 5 cents more
and you would have been PURPLE!

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Software wife and husband

class Indian_Bachelor_female_professional
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge();
char non_co_operative;
};

class Married_female_Software_Professional
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossips;
float hopes;
void work();
char unstable;
};

class Female_Engaged_software_professional
{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding();
char edgy;
};

class Indian_Newly_Married_software_professional
{
double dinner_invitations;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_breaks;
float talks;
void bank_balance();
char hen_pecked;
};

class Indian_husband_wife_software_professional
{
double income;
short temper;
long time_no_see;
float new_software_company;
void lov
};
Class Guy_who_wrote_this
{
Long time_on_bench;
Void work();

}

Thursday, June 5, 2008

I am ur husband

A man and a woman were drowsing contentedly in a bed,
subsequent to an afternoon of intense love making.
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Suddenly there is the sound of a car pulling up alongside the curb
outside.
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Partly woke up and startled, the woman pokes the man and said, "Oh shit, quick get running, that's my stupid husband."
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With a speed of lightening, the man throws himself out of the bed, picks up his clothes, rushes to the window nude, about to jump out and suddenly stops dead.
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"What do you mean?" he bellows, "I AM your husband!"

Lost wife

The man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in this supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" the woman asked.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Monday, May 12, 2008

Sexy mathematician

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Smart wife

This husband who is out of town for a couple of months writes to his wife.

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my
sweetheart

Your husband

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses
instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other
items........
5.. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I
can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!

Your Sweet Heart

Bachaa kis ka hai

Scene: Husband and Wife in court getting a divorce.

The problem was who should get custody of the child????


Wife jumped up and said: "Your Honor! I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody."

The judge turns to Husband and says "What do you have to say in your defense?"

The husband sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.

"Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out. Whose Pepsi is it? the machine's or mine?"

Yeh sunke...Wife replied : "Judge sahab...bartan mera...dudh bhi mera...aur usme dahi jamane ke liye 2 bunde daalne se dahi bana tu fir wo dahi kiska..? mera ya do bund dalane vale ka"

Husband replied : "Typewriter mein kagaz mainedala, keys daba-daba kar mehnat maineki, fir chitthi kiski? typewriter ki ya meri?"

Frustrated Judge: "Agar tu chithi haath se hi likh leta to yahan par custody ki naubat hi na aati."