Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts

Monday, March 28, 2016

Dont mess with wives





After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed. He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases. On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things. On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was… he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS. :) -
















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All the messagesbelow are just forwarded messages if some one feels hurt about it please add your comments we will remove the post.Host/author is not responsible for these posts.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

INTELLIGENT ROMANCE

Husband : Wow, you look pink. ?? Wife:"When your lovely words touch the bundle branches of the circulation system of my heart, it starts beating faster & increased output is transmitted to adrenals which start secreting glucon to increase blood glucose level & to combat this emergency, Pituitary output also increases which raises blood estrogen level, Causing vasodilation and I look PINK... . . .

MORAL:"If your Wife is well qualified and intelligent, don't ask questions."





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All the messagesbelow are just forwarded messages if some one feels hurt about it please add your comments we will remove the post.Host/author is not responsible for these posts.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Presentation makes the difference

2 Women chatting in office..




Woman 1:" I had a fine evening, how was

yours.. ??

.

Woman 2:" It was a disaster.. My husband came

home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep..

How was yours.. ?? .



Woman 1:" Oh it was amazing! My husband came

home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After

dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came

home he lit the candles around the house..It was

like a fairy tale! .



At the same time, their husbands are talking at

work..



Husband 1:" How was your evening.. ??

.

Husband 2:" Great.. I came home, dinner was on

the table, I ate and fell asleep.

What about you ??

.

Husband 1:" It was horrible. I came home, there's

no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot

topay the bill; so I took her outfor dinner which

was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a

cab.

We walked home which took an hour and when

we got home i remembered there was no

electricity so I had to light candles all over the

house!!



Moral:" Presentation does matter.. No matter what

the reality is..
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All the messagesbelow are just forwarded messages if some one feels hurt about it please add your comments we will remove the post.Host/author is not responsible for these posts.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Little Boys Prayer ..Government taxes

A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.




Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50.



When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , INDIA , they decided to forward

it to the President of the India as a joke.



The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.20.



The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money (Rs.50) to a little boy,

and he did not want to spoil the kid.



The little boy was delighted with Rs...20, and decided to write a thank you note to God,

which read:



"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.

However, I noticed that you sent it through the Rashtrapati Bhavan(President House) in New Delhi, and those donkeys deducted Rs.30 as tax ....... "



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All the messagesbelow are just forwarded messages if some one feels hurt about it please add your comments we will remove the post.Host/author is not responsible for these posts.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Santa to Satisfy Female Gorilla

The Zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.



Upon examination, the Zoo vet found the problem. The female Gorilla was on heat and there were no male gorillas of the species available. It came to the Zoo management's attention that one of their employees, Santa Singh, possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.



So the Zoo administrators approached Santa with a proposition.

Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for Rs. 50000?



Santa showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.



The next day Santa announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

First, "I don't have to kiss her."

Second, "You must never tell anyone about this"

&

Third, "I WILL NEED AT LEAST ONE WEEK TO ARRANGE THE Rs. 50000!"

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All the messagesbelow are just forwarded messages if some one feels hurt about it please add your comments we will remove the post.Host/author is not responsible for these posts.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Wonderfull definations

Wonderfully described definitions.........










CIGARETTE:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!



MARRIAGE:

It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master



LECTURE:

An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students

without passing through the minds

of either



CONFERENCE:

The confusion of one man

multiplied by the

number present





COMPROMISE:

The art of dividing

a cake in such a way that

everybody believes

he got the biggest piece





TEARS:

The hydraulic force by which

masculine will power is

defeated by feminine water-power!



CONFERENCE ROOM:

A place where everybody talks,

nobody listens

and everybody disagrees later on





ECSTASY:

A feeling when you feel

you are going to feel

a feeling

you have never felt before



CLASSIC:

A book

which people praise,

but never read



SMILE:

A curve

that can set

a lot of things straight!





OFFICE:

A place

where you can relax

after your strenuous

home life



YAWN:

The only time

when some married men

ever get to open

their mouth





EXPERIENCE:

The name

men give

to their

Mistakes





DIPLOMAT:

A person

who tells you

to go to hell

in such a way

that you actually look forward

to the trip





OPTIMIST:

A person

who while falling

from EIFFEL TOWER

says in midway

"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"





MISER:

A person

who lives poor

so that

he can die RICH!





FATHER:

A banker

provided by

nature





BOSS:

Someone

who is early

when you are late

and late

when you are early





POLITICIAN:

One who

shakes your hand

before elections

and your Confidence

Later









DOCTOR:

A person

who kills

your ills

by pills,

and kills you

by his bills!





-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------All the messagesbelow are just forwarded messages if some one feels hurt about it please add your comments we will remove the post.Host/author is not responsible for these posts.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Lucky Doctor

One morning at a doctor's clinic, a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

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.

.



The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and hewas dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that's how I strained my back"

..



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The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you?"

.

..

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.



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.

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.

.



He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

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The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do.

The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

.

.



.

.

.

.



.

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.

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"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor........



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All the messages below are just forwarded messages if some one feels hurt about it please add your comments we will remove the post.Host/author is not responsible for these posts.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Perfect Husband

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: ‘Hello

WOMAN: ‘Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?

MAN: ‘Yes

WOMAN: ‘I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN: ‘Sure ¦go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: ‘How much?

WOMAN: ‘$70,000?

MAN: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing ¦ The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000?

MAN: ‘Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.

WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!

MAN: ‘Bye! I love you, too.

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open ¦..

He smiles and asks, ‘Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

balayya's kotha cheddi-- sms joke

balayya kotha red cheddi konnadu , anadham thattukoleka oorantha lungi yethi mari chupinchadu ,intki vachi chusthe


cheddi intlone undhiii....!

follow more balayya jokes Balayya Jokes

Sunday, August 8, 2010

balayya sms jokes -3

Director : U have 2 jump in 2 swimming pool 4m 100th floor
Balayya : i dont know swimming
Director : Dont worry there is not water in it
Balayya : Aithe ...keka puttishaaa

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

what makes you to be Nityanand

If you are with ONE Girl,



it’s ANAND





If you are with 2 Girls,



it’s MAHANAND







If you are with 3 Girls,



it’s PARAMANAND











If you are with many many Girls,



then you must be ……..







Swami NITYANAND !



Monday, December 14, 2009

Management Review

THE SAGA OF MANAGEMENT REVIEW OF WRITING STYLE







Question: How many feet do mice have?






Original reply: Mice have four feet.


Mgmt. Comment: Elaborate!






Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.


Mgmt. Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!






Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail.


Mgmt. Comment: What? Feet with no legs?






Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per unit-mouse.


Mgmt. Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?






Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.


Mgmt. Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!






Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.


Mgmt. Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO!






Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be: Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.


Mgmt. Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!






Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.


Mgmt. Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!






FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet.














Sunday, November 8, 2009

Never be a developer

Roshan D'Mello (QA Tester)

Mukesh Thakur (Developer)

_______________________________________



Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in

username text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.

Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep

sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it

fixed.



After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.



After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in

some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry

is not getting the sound.



After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has

Old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt

speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use

head phones and then get the bug closed soon.



Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is

Different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my machine, but

My colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound

as 'TONG'.



Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The

Two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do

You expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them

uniform?

Please close it.



Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep

Sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces

Beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces

Sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all

machines.



Another 2 days later,



Mukesh Thakur : Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the

Volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both

The machines before I get mad and then close the bug.



Another 2 days,



Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug.



Mukesh Thakur : What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for

re-opening?



Roshan D'Mello : Sound intensity is different for machines placed at

different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.




After 2 days,



Mukesh Thakur : I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of

the

two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the

acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why sound intensity

is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the

bugs.




After 1 year



Roshan D'Mello : I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested

The clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same

Acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested, I found that

intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.



Mukesh Thakur : GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the

Sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background

noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because

of background noice.



Roshan D'Mello : No need for that. We will put the machines and run

them in vacuum and see.



Mukesh Thakur : ??

Result-----------------------

He is now in Mental Asylum while



Roshan D'Mello : has become QA Manager.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Sincere Friend....



A Sincere Friend...!
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Alwayz be HAPPY :)


Sunday, September 13, 2009

If women controlled the world......






IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD...

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

best friends..joke

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.''


His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.


So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.




Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''


And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''


Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''


Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''


Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead
now!''

Saturday, August 8, 2009

An Apt IT joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is a real cool one couldn't resist to share this with you J

Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team
now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen
for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".

The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has
disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The
cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss
has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you
idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders,
managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU
ate one developer and it got noticed. So here after please don't eat a
person who is working."

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Swami Vijay mallya -joke

“A beautiful dress is of no use until it inspires someone to take it off.”
- SWAMI VIJAY MALLYA





Please forward this mail to 10 people…Miracle awaits you.

* Gopalan FORWARDED this mail to 10 people and that day evening he got a bottle of White Rum *

* When he got the mail, Rajappan believed it and FORWARDED to 15 people and next day morning his uncle come from Gulf with a bottle of Johnny Walker**.

** Red Label Only

* Shashi received the mail and DELETED it. His Brandy Bottle fell from the table and broke. He lost all his Brandy.

* An Army Officer received this mail and he FORWARDED it to 20 people and same day Government increased his Monthly Liquor quota

* Sura received this mail and DELETED it and also made fun of the mail. The same day the Bar near his house closed down.

Please forward, it to as many people as you can. You will see a Miracle happening in your life. Please do not delete it. This mail is not a joke.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

DR.Banta

A Doctor wanted to get off work and go for touring, so he approached his assistant, "Banta, I am going on tour tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients".

"Yes, sir!!!" answers Banta.

The doctor goes on tour and returns the following day and asks, "So,Banta, How was your day?" Banta told him that he took care of three
patients.

"The first one had a Headache so I gave him Analgin."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had running nose and I gave him Coldarin, sir" says Banta.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything
including her inners and lies down on the table and shouts :

HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"

And what did you do Banta?" asks the doctor.

Sahib - I put Gentamycin drops in her eyes!!!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Apartment for rent

a businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend

the night with her for $500. They did their thing,

and, before he left, he told her that he did

secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling

the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

>>

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had

done, realizing that the whole event had not been

worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque

for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

>>

"Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your

apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,

because when I rented the place, I was under the

impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;

#2 - there was plenty of heat; and

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,

#2 - there wasn ' t any heat, and

#3 - it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately

returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

" Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a

beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you

know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of

regular size, but if you don ' t have enough furniture

to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced

to contact your present landlady."