What is the difference between Saali & Wife

Saali is Beauty, Wife is Duty

Saali is Pension, Wife is Tension

Saali is Yummy, Wife is Vehmi

Saali is Pataka, Wife is BATAKA

Saali is Cool, Wife is Fool

Saali is Tooti - Fruity, Wife is Kismat Futi

Saali is Fresh cake , Wife is earth QUAKE

Sexy mathematician

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

Smart wife

This husband who is out of town for a couple of months writes to his wife.

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my
sweetheart

Your husband

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses
instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other
items........
5.. Other expenses 40 kisses

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I
can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!

Your Sweet Heart

Bachaa kis ka hai

Scene: Husband and Wife in court getting a divorce.

The problem was who should get custody of the child????

Wife jumped up and said: "Your Honor! I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody."

The judge turns to Husband and says "What do you have to say in your defense?"

The husband sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.

"Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out. Whose Pepsi is it? the machine's or mine?"

Yeh sunke...Wife replied : "Judge sahab...bartan mera...dudh bhi mera...aur usme dahi jamane ke liye 2 bunde daalne se dahi bana tu fir wo dahi kiska..? mera ya do bund dalane vale ka"

Husband replied : "Typewriter mein kagaz mainedala, keys daba-daba kar mehnat maineki, fir chitthi kiski? typewriter ki ya meri?"

Frustrated Judge: "Agar tu chithi haath se hi likh leta to yahan par custody ki naubat hi na aati."

Woman with not habbits

A
woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for
a couple of dollars for dinner.The woman took out her wallet, extracted
ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some
wine with it instead of dinner?""No," I had to stop drinking years ago,
the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of
buying food?" the woman asked."No," I don't waste time shopping, the
homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the
woman asked."Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had
my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to
give you the money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner with
my husband and myself tonight.The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't
your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and
I probably smell pretty disgusting."The woman replied, "That's okay.
It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has
given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

Man with no habits

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. Thev man ignored him. But
being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated
when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with
some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you
tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would
have bought a cup of tea", replied the
beggar.

The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then
took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.

The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar,
"Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".

The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".

The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race
course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets.
If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".

As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I
can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with
him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least
something from the man. But he still had his
doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with
you".

The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad
habits looks like."

Calories burnt in sex

CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!





REMOVING HER CLOTHES:



With her consent 12 Calories


Without her consent 2,187 Calories







OPENING HER BRA:



With both hands 8 Calories


With one hand 12 Calories


With your teeth 485 Calories







PUTTING ON A CONDOM:



With an erection 6 Calories


Without an erection 3,315 Calories







POSITIONS:



Missionary 12 Calories


69 lying down 78 Calories



69 standing up 812 Calories


Wheelbarrow 216 Calories


Doggy Style 326 Calories


Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories







ORGASMS:



Real 112 Calories


Fake 1,315 Calories







POST ORGASM:



Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories


Getting up immediately 36 Calories


Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816
Calories








GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:



If you are:




20-29 years 36 Calories


30-39 years 80 Calories


40-49 years 124 Calories


50-59 years 1,972 Calories


60-69 years 7,916 Calories


70 and over Results are still pending







DRESSING AFTERWARDS:



Calmly.. 32 Calories


In a hurry 98 Calories


With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories


With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories






Results may vary!

Marriage

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request
to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years
and clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in
the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's
wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those
loving pet names' The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the
truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm
scared to death to ask her what it is!' :-)

Relationship

My wife and I are in our midlife, sexually she is more in it than myself. So

I am a man trying to trick her back in youth by hook and crook.

Long captive in married knot of some twenty five years, I took a look at my wife

one day and I said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa
bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night with a hot 22 year old beautiful woman. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed
and plasma screen TV, but I am sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me
that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is an affectionate and convincing woman. She told me with love

to fulfill my desires I should go out and find myself a hot 22 years old beautiful woman, and

she would make sure

that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,

driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.... perhaps alone.

women cry ..watch her eyes

A little boy asked his mother, 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm a woman,' she told him.

'I don't understand,' he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, 'And you never will.'

Later the little boy asked his father, 'Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?'

'All women cry for no reason,' was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry..

Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, 'God, why do women cry so easily?'

God said

'When I made the woman she had to be special.

I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.'

'You see my son,' said God, 'the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.'

need cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?”

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,
 Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. Thats against the law! I'll lose my license! Theyll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied," Well
now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. "

wife or mistress

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The accountant said: "I like both."

"Both?" The other two asked

The accountant replied: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Wife ..Husband Jokes

Some wife bashers

If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
------------ --------- --------- ----
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed
mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept
repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain
is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so
deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect
himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
------------ --------- --------- ----

Married life can be very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
------------ --------- --------- -----

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and
threw in a penny.The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too
much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but
then smiled "It really works!"
------------ --------- --------- ------

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband
exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
------------ --------- --------- --

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the "y" becomes silent.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she
suspects him, and after death she respects him.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go
thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.
------------ --------- --------

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing
: either the car is new or the wife is
------------ --------- -------

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If
you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise
but I hope you will keep yours."
------------ --------- --------- ---------

"What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."

Perfect husband

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.

The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.

The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".

The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".

The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".

As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".

The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."

Secretary fired...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.



I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.



As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."



I thought...



Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.



My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.



As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.



I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"



We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.



On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"



I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."





After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.

I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.



She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".





And I just sat there...







On the couch...

Surgery

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his Penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts Feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, Rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, And disappears back into his pants. His wife sits in shock for a Few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face.

She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."

Down The Toilet

A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.

Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice

that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs

sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried

desperately to extricate her.

In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular

part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.
When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man

realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his shoes, over his wife's

exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife,

buddy, but her lover's a goner."

Santa Banta joke

SANTA: DUBAI me sub kuch FREE hai


TAXI
HOTEL
KHANA
PINA
YAHA TAK
SEX BHI
FREE HAI


BANTA : are yaar tu kub gaya tha

SANTA; mai nahin meri bibi jakar ayi hai

Priceless words

PRICELESS WORDS

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that
it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.
Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM , drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye
when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks,
"So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off,
you said,

"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

THE SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".
Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !! I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" .. She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."
Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after. "