Woman with not habbits

A
woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for
a couple of dollars for dinner.The woman took out her wallet, extracted
ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some
wine with it instead of dinner?""No," I had to stop drinking years ago,
the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of
buying food?" the woman asked."No," I don't waste time shopping, the
homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the
woman asked."Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had
my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to
give you the money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner with
my husband and myself tonight.The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't
your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and
I probably smell pretty disgusting."The woman replied, "That's okay.
It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has
given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

Unlock the deadlock

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad,
So make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and
I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going
abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tution: I have work for a week, so you need
not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a
week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets
spend the week together.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: This week I am
spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend
that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss
has some work, we cancelled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend
this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tution: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my
teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I
can't give you company.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this
week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement .

Relationship

My wife and I are in our midlife, sexually she is more in it than myself. So

I am a man trying to trick her back in youth by hook and crook.

Long captive in married knot of some twenty five years, I took a look at my wife

one day and I said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa
bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night with a hot 22 year old beautiful woman. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed
and plasma screen TV, but I am sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me
that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is an affectionate and convincing woman. She told me with love

to fulfill my desires I should go out and find myself a hot 22 years old beautiful woman, and

she would make sure

that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,

driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.... perhaps alone.

need cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?”

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,
 Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. Thats against the law! I'll lose my license! Theyll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied," Well
now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. "

Wife ..Husband Jokes

Some wife bashers

If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
------------ --------- --------- ----
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed
mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept
repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain
is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so
deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect
himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
------------ --------- --------- ----

Married life can be very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
------------ --------- --------- -----

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and
threw in a penny.The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too
much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but
then smiled "It really works!"
------------ --------- --------- ------

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband
exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
------------ --------- --------- --

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the "y" becomes silent.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she
suspects him, and after death she respects him.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go
thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.
------------ --------- --------

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing
: either the car is new or the wife is
------------ --------- -------

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If
you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise
but I hope you will keep yours."
------------ --------- --------- ---------

"What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."

Perfect husband

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.

The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.

The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".

The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".

The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".

As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".

The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."

Surgery

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his Penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts Feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, Rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, And disappears back into his pants. His wife sits in shock for a Few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face.

She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."

Down The Toilet

A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.

Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice

that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs

sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried

desperately to extricate her.

In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular

part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.
When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man

realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his shoes, over his wife's

exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife,

buddy, but her lover's a goner."

THE SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".
Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? "
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !! I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" .. She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."
Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after. "

Bad Bargain

A man is walking around cannaught Place with his wife. They come to a perfume shop where the wife walks in and the hubby stands waiting outside.
A hooker comes along and tells the husband: "Like to come home with me, buddy?"
"For how much?" asks the man.
“500 Rupees," says the hooker. "I'll give you 100," quips the husband. The girl spits at him and walks away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. When they turn the corner, they come upon the same hooker. She looks at the man and his wife and yells: "See, this is what you get for 100 Rs.!"