1.) SSC + HSC + BMS + MBA = UNEMPLYOMENT .
2.) An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.
3.) Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.
4.) 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = 4 minute song in Hindi movie.
5.) Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favourite serials.
6.) Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan = Abhishek Bachchan -Talent.
7.) Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan
8.) 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda
9.) 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan
10.) 1 person + straight hair + unstraight walk = Sanjay dutt
11.) 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol
12.) One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four hundred Relatives + A house bigger
than Buckingham Palace = One Sooraj Barjataya'sFilm.
13.) One man + one woman = Isha Deol
14.) Time waste - time = Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi
15.) Boring songs + heavy dialogues + Bogus dressing = Devdas
16.) New heroes + New heroins = a flop movie
17.) Old heroes + new heroins = a blunder
18.) Old heroes + old heroins = timepass
19.) action - suspense + comedy - thrill - story - clothes = Indiansuperhit movie
20.) Do aur do paanch = Indian algebra
1 Lady - 1 Brain = Aishwarya Rai
1 Lady - 1/2 Clothes = Mallika Sherawat
1 Lady + 1 Buffalo = Yana Gupta
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Educated lady
Never Argue with a Woman One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book' she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm
sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 'Yes, but I see you
have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that,
I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he
left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Gay chicken
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired...
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock :
O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired...
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock :
O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Patni lays off employees
MUMBAI: After Tata Consultancy Services and IBM Global Services, Patni Computer Systems has laid off close to 400 employees citing non-performance issues. The country’s sixth-largest exporter said it was part of a routine appraisal exercise, carried out every year to weed out non-performers, and not related to any slowdown issues. “This was an absolutely regular appraisal that is important for any performance-driven organisation. It is something standard we do every year. Employees who have got 0-1 rating on a scale of 5 typically form the basis for the first-level shortlist. These are performance-based resignations; we’ve not issued any termination letters,” said Rajesh Padmanabhan, executive vice-president and head, global HR, Patni. He said the comparable figure for last year was 148. In February this year, in the backdrop of a pronounced slowdown in the US, TCS had asked about 500 employees to leave for non-performance. Shortly afterwards, IBM was reported to have laid off 700 freshers. In case of TCS, the figure was about 0.5 per cent of its total workforce and for IBM, about 1 per cent of its India workforce. For Patni, the figure is closer to 3 per cent of its 14,800 workforce. A Patni spokesperson said the company continued to be a net hirer. “Retrenchment is a word used when you are facing negative growth or no growth and cutting down on your labour costs. We continue to recruit -- the number of new employees we intend to hire, according to our quarterly results communication, is about 2,000,” said a Patni spokesperson. Industry sources said the employees were asked to leave a fortnight ago and some of them were even at the designation of project manager. “Usually, these do not happen at project manager levels. But I know in this case, a project manager working on a GE (General Electric) contract was asked to leave,” said a source, with knowledge on the development, who did not wish to be identified. Some people in the industry attributed the layoffs to the challenging business outlook Patni and other software companies were facing. “The performance index is being unfairly used on people on the bench. These employees are not working due to lack of projects,” said a person closely associated with a number of software companies. Bench is a term used to indicate employees who are not working on any available projects because they are undergoing training or are between projects. As a strategy, companies also maintain a bench in readiness for new projects. In a slowdown, because of postponement or cancellation of projects, the bench size increases more than what companies plan for. The Patni stock has risen 15 per cent on the BSE in one month on the expectations of a buyback, which has now been announced for July 10. In the same period, the IT index has gained 2.43 per cent. On Tuesday, the stock ended almost flat at Rs 238.70 on BSE. |
Source :Indiatimes |
Monday, July 14, 2008
Balanced life
A Long time ago, there was an Emperor who told his horseman that if he could
ride on his horse and cover as much land area as he likes, then the Emperor
would give him the area of land he has covered. Sure enough, the horseman
quickly jumped onto his horse and rode as fast as possible to cover as much land
area as he could. He kept on riding and riding, whipping the horse to go as fast
as possible.
When he was hungry,thirsty or tired, he did not stop because he wanted to cover
as much area as possible. Came to a point when he had covered a substantial area
and he was exhausted and was dying. Then he asked himself,
"Why did I pushed myself so hard to cover so much land area? Now I am dying and
I only need a very small area to bury myself."
The above story is similar with the journey of our Life. We push very hard
everyday to make more money, to gain power and recognition. We neglect our
health, time with our family and to appreciate the surrounding beauty and the
hobbies we love to do.
One day when we look back, we will realize that we don't really need that much,
but then we cannot turn back time for what we have missed. Life is not about
making money, acquiring power or recognition. Life is definitely not about work!
Work is only necessary to keep us living so as to enjoy the beauty and pleasures
of life.
Lessons to Learn from The Story:
Life is a balance of Work and Play, Family and Personal time. You have to decide
how you want to balance your Life. Define your priorities, realize what you are
able to compromise but always let some of your decisions be based on your
instincts.
Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of Life, the whole aim of human
existence. So, take it easy, do what you want to do and appreciate nature. Life
is fragile, Life is short. Do not take Life for granted. Live a balance
lifestyle and enjoy Life!
ride on his horse and cover as much land area as he likes, then the Emperor
would give him the area of land he has covered. Sure enough, the horseman
quickly jumped onto his horse and rode as fast as possible to cover as much land
area as he could. He kept on riding and riding, whipping the horse to go as fast
as possible.
When he was hungry,thirsty or tired, he did not stop because he wanted to cover
as much area as possible. Came to a point when he had covered a substantial area
and he was exhausted and was dying. Then he asked himself,
"Why did I pushed myself so hard to cover so much land area? Now I am dying and
I only need a very small area to bury myself."
The above story is similar with the journey of our Life. We push very hard
everyday to make more money, to gain power and recognition. We neglect our
health, time with our family and to appreciate the surrounding beauty and the
hobbies we love to do.
One day when we look back, we will realize that we don't really need that much,
but then we cannot turn back time for what we have missed. Life is not about
making money, acquiring power or recognition. Life is definitely not about work!
Work is only necessary to keep us living so as to enjoy the beauty and pleasures
of life.
Lessons to Learn from The Story:
Life is a balance of Work and Play, Family and Personal time. You have to decide
how you want to balance your Life. Define your priorities, realize what you are
able to compromise but always let some of your decisions be based on your
instincts.
Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of Life, the whole aim of human
existence. So, take it easy, do what you want to do and appreciate nature. Life
is fragile, Life is short. Do not take Life for granted. Live a balance
lifestyle and enjoy Life!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Logical and legal joke
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
****************
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
****************
Whom to marry in software cycle
Vidhya: hey! what is the matter you have called up all of a sudden?
Nithya : do u remember that my parents gave my horoscope, to search for a
suitable match, to many people? So many horoscopes of the groom has come..
in that 4-5 seems to match.. I don't know which one to select, I am
confused because of it.
Vidhya: what is the confusion about?
Nithya: horoscopes of many software engineers have come. It seems now a
days, the software guys are wanting to marry girls in the other field.
That's why I don't know whom I must select among this. You are a
software engineer na pls give me some suggestion .
vidhya: not a problem at all. So tell me the position that each one holds.
nithya: first is a manager.
vidhya: manager?? Then he will showcast himself that he is busy always. But
he will not do anything properly. He will get u 1 kg of rice and ask you to
prepare for the whole area say a village. He will get you mutton and ask
you to prepare chicken 65. Even if you protest telling you can't make it,
he'll not accept. He will tell you to work hard day and night to prepare
it. He will also tell he'll provide you with the night cab. Even if you ask how can I prepare chicken 65 out of it by sitting day and night he will not accept.
Nithya: ohh..so dangerous he is!! Then I must escape. Next is a test engineer.
vidhya: he is more dangerous than the other person. Whatever you do he will
correctly tell only the fault in it. Even if you try to surprise him with
10 variety of food, he will tell the item which does not have salt in it.
If you ask him "will you not at least tell that it is good", he will reply
back saying it is your duty to make it good so why must I tell that. He is
sooo good.
Nithya: then a NO to him also. Next is the performance test engineer.
vidhya: he is another specimen.. even if everything is good, he will ask
why did it take this much time. If you take 10 minutes to make a coffee, he
will question you asking why you have taken 10 min for a coffee which can
be done within 5 min. Even if you say that he is talking about the instant
coffee while you have made the filter coffee, he will not accept. The same
will be with all the work you do. You must not think about this person if
you want to do make up in your life !!!
Nithya: then! you mean to say that we should not marry software guys??
Vidhya: who said like that?? In software there is one more group. They are
called the developers group. How much ever you hit them they will bear.
Nithya: then tell about them.
Vidhya: you don't have to do anything. They will do everything themselves.
If we sit back and just boost them it is enough. But the problem with them
is- they will say "I know it" whatever you ask them.
Even that is ok. They will bear how much ever you hit them but the
condition is you must keep saying "you are too good" after hitting them
every time.
Nithya: this is superb. Then we must search for this kind of a groom….
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Software engineer after death
A Software Engineer dies in a car accident and finds himself at the heavens door "Pearly Gates". A beautiful music is being played and all angels are dancing around and singing his name. There is a huge crowd and everyone is screaming his name. The engineer is very delighted and surprised.
Then he sees "Saint Peter" rushing towards him and shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations my son, we have been waiting a very long time to meet you".
The engineer is very embarrassed and asks "Saint Peter, congratulations for what? I honestly didn't do much while I was alive. Then why is all this?"
Saint Peter totally amazed says, "Congratulations for what!!! We're celebrating the fact that you lived for 260 years! .... GOD himself wants to meet you!"
The engineer looks perplexed, "but Saint Peter, I only lived until 36 years"
Saint Peter is shocked "This is impossible son. We have added up all your timesheets."
Monday, July 7, 2008
Telephone and proud India
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
World.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
Noticed a golden telephone
mounted on the wall with a sign that read
'$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
The telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He
Could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then traveled to Pakistan , Srilanka , Russia , Germany and France .
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000
Per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to
See if Indians had the same phone.
He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, there
Was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read
'One
Rupee per call.'
The American was surprised so he
asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden
Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to
Heaven,
But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
Readers, it is your turn........ Think .....before you scroll down...
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The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in India now, Son - it's a
Local
Call'.
This is the only heaven on the Earth.
KEEP SMILING
If you are proud to be an Indian pass this on!!! I know dat u'll pass on!!!!!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Software wife and husband
class Indian_Bachelor_female_professional
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge();
char non_co_operative;
};
class Married_female_Software_Professional
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossips;
float hopes;
void work();
char unstable;
};
class Female_Engaged_software_professional
{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding();
char edgy;
};
class Indian_Newly_Married_software_professional
{
double dinner_invitations;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_breaks;
float talks;
void bank_balance();
char hen_pecked;
};
class Indian_husband_wife_software_professional
{
double income;
short temper;
long time_no_see;
float new_software_company;
void lov
};
Class Guy_who_wrote_this
{
Long time_on_bench;
Void work();
}
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge();
char non_co_operative;
};
class Married_female_Software_Professional
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossips;
float hopes;
void work();
char unstable;
};
class Female_Engaged_software_professional
{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding();
char edgy;
};
class Indian_Newly_Married_software_professional
{
double dinner_invitations;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_breaks;
float talks;
void bank_balance();
char hen_pecked;
};
class Indian_husband_wife_software_professional
{
double income;
short temper;
long time_no_see;
float new_software_company;
void lov
};
Class Guy_who_wrote_this
{
Long time_on_bench;
Void work();
}
Train joke
A Rajasthani, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He`d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the rail tracks one day, he hears this whistle — Whooee da Whoee! — but doesn`t know what it is. Predictably, he`s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks.
It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he`s at his friend`s house attending a party one evening.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a iron rod from the nearby shelf and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what`s happened and asks the desert man, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they`re small."
It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he`s at his friend`s house attending a party one evening.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a iron rod from the nearby shelf and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what`s happened and asks the desert man, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they`re small."
Friday, July 4, 2008
Sardar jokes
Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab.
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.
Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi
petrol se start hoti hai.
Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why
are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler
Interviewer : When is your birthday.
Sardar : 13th Oct.
Interviewer : which year ?
sardar : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.
2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.
Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any
one before you die?
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.
On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our
engagement
day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.
Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the
computer.
Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Santa and librarian
Santa stormed up to the front desk of the library in London and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, sir?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book
"Yes, sir?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book
