Thursday, July 31, 2008

whiskey and worms

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about The evils of liquor,
So he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water,
A glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Smart woman

Barbara Walters of Television's ABC 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul,
Afghanistan, several yearsbefore the Afghan conflict. She noted that women
customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their
husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the
oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind
their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem
happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes,and without hesitation said,
"Land mines."

Sunday, July 27, 2008

funny Signboards

Sign on a famous beauty parlour window: Don't whistle at the girl going
out from here. She may be your Grandmother!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Advertisement in Pune Shop : Guitar, for sale.......cheap...........no
strings attached.
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Sign in a bar : "Those .....drinking to forget........ please pay in
advance."
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Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
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A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
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Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time!
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When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up............. reading.
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My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses... He drinks
straight out of the bottle.
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I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case
someone wants Black Coffee.
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Getting caught is the mother of Invention.
----------------------------------
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Laugh and the world laughs with you, Snore and you sleep alone.
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The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe
is the fact that it has never tried to contact us.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seen on a bulletin board: Success is relative. More the success, more
the relatives.
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Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay: We need your heads to run
our business.
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A traffic slogan: Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough or
else they will never be.
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Sign in a restaurant: All drinking water in this establishment has been
personally passed by the manager.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seen in railway station at Patna: Aana free, Jaana free, Pakde gaye to
khana free.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Religious husband

 HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM CHURCH; 
HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP.
 HE THEN CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE. 
THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED'
DID THE BISHOP PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC'?
 THE HUSBAND SAID, 'NO, HE SAID WE MUST 
CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS'. 
 

Think before you speak

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

condom and flu

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a CUT -glass

bowl sitting on top of it.The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,

of all things, a condom!


When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.


The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange

floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.



'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing

to the bowl.


'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few


months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to
place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.


Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

men dont understand really

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched
her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.*

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, as
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little "0ral sex" will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close
the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The
nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked

black condom

This just-married white couple decided to make love on the wedding
night
in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to
get
pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from a shop nearby.

When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in bed with all
the lights switched off. While the husband is out, a thief came into
the
room. The wife did not notice this and thought that it was her husband.
She grabs the man and happily begins doing it with him.

Afterwards, the wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep almost
immediately. In the mean time, the husband had a hard time looking for
a
shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that
he had only 20 cents on him. He asked the shop owner to sell him one
condom and the shop owner asks him which he wants....

"The white condom, the lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black
condoms, which are of average quality, are 20 cents each. And the
purple
condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each." The husband, wanting the
best condom for the money he had on him, bought the black condom. When
he reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.

Without a warning, he jumps onto his wife and started making love. The
wife was surprised that the husband was as energetic as she enjoyed the
session.

Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. Years
later,
when the boy grows up, he asks the father "Pa, why I am black and you
are white?"

To which the father replies "You are damn lucky already, 5 cents more
and you would have been PURPLE!

lady and casino dealers

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mom needs new clothes!" Then she hollers..."YES! YES! I WON! IWON!"

Then she begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealer's just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Good quotes

Here are a few select tags :
1) The hardest working seven letter word " SUCCESS "
2) There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved
3) Life is an icecream, eat b4 it melts..
4) never change your self for others try to be what you are
5) Its tough job being smart.......But somebodies got to do it
6) We are all born in this world for some special Purpose... none of us are waste........ So, don't be a prisoner of past be an architect of ur future
7) No body is perfect.... I am nobody
8) You are the creator of your own destiny
9) The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart, head and hands
10) if music be the food of love, play on
11) Great pleasure in life is in doing what people say you can't do it
12) Success lies not in the result but in the effort....Being the Best is not at all important, Doing the best is all that matters
13) Smile cost nothing... but means a lot
14) Enjoy your life Today bcoz yesterday has gone and Tommorow may never comes
15) in life we find each other..in each other we find love
16) Always ask GOD 2 give you what you Deserve,,,,,Not what you Desire.....Its because your desire may be few,,,but YOU deserve a LOT
17) WHAT I AM IS GOD'S GIFT TO ME, WHAT I BECOME IS MY GIFT TO GOD
18) True friendship is like sound health, the value of it is seldom known until it be lost

Bihari english letter

A School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days after the actual date of joining. Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing...

_________

Deer sur,

If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.

This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly,but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment.

I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun.

I putted a complain on station masterji.

He said I to go to the lady clerk.

At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave a birth to my sun.

Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.

Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life.

I hope u will look into explain my hole story after,and late me joint first.

I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for your responsement.

May God blast you!"


Yours awfully,
yadav

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Petrol is cheap

Diesel (regular) in Mumbai : Rs.36.08 per litre

Petrol (speed) in Mumbai : Rs.52 per litre

Coca Cola 330 ml can : Rs.20 = Rs.61 per litre

Dettol antiseptic 100 ml Rs.20 = Rs.200 per litre

Radiator coolant 500 ml Rs.160 = Rs.320 per litre

Pantene conditioner 400 ml Rs.165 = Rs.413 per litre

Medicinal Mouthwash like Listerine 100 ml Rs.45 = Rs. 450 per litre

Red Bull 150 ml can : Rs.75 = Rs.500 per litre

Corex cough syrup 100 ml Rs.57 = Rs. 570 per litre

Evian water 500 ml Rs. 330 = Rs. 660 per litre

Rs. 660 for a litre of WATER !!

And the buyers don't even know the source (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Kores whiteout 15 ml Rs. 15 = Rs. 1000 per litre

Cup of coffee at any decent business hotel 100 ml Rs. 50 = Rs. 500 per litre

Old Spice after shave lotion 100 ml Rs. 175 = Rs. 1750 per litre

Pure almond oil 25 ml Rs. 68 = Rs. 2720 per litre

And this is the REAL KICKER...

HP DeskJet colour ink cartridge 21 ml Rs.1900 = Rs. 90476 per litre!!!

Now you know why computer printers are so cheap ? So they have you hooked for the ink ! So, the next time you're at the pump, don't curse anyone – just be glad your car doesn't run on cough syrup, after shave, coffee, or God forbid, printer ink!

Best interview answers

Very very Impressive Questions and Answers..... ...


Question 1: You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, it's raining heavily, when suddenly you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for a bus:

An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
An old friend who once saved your life.
The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to,
knowing very well that there could only be one passenger in your car?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

* You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first;

* or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to ! pay him back.

* However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. Guess what was his answer?

He simply answered:


"I would give the car keys to my Old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside the Box."

Question 2: What will you do if I run away with your sister?"

The candidate who was selected answered " I will not get a better match for my sister than you sir"

Question 3: Interviewer (to a student girl candidate) - What is one morning you woke up & found that you were pregnant.

Girl - I will be very excited and take an off, to celebrate with my husband.

Normally an unmarried girl will be shocked to hear this, but she managed it well. Why I should think it in the wrong way, she said later when asked

Question 4: Interviewer: He ordered a cup of coffee for the candidate.
Coffee arrived kept before the candidate, then he asked what is before you?

Candidate: Instantly replied "Tea"

He got selected.

You know how and why did he say "TEA" when he knows very well that coffee was kept before.

(Answer: The question was "What is before you (U - alphabet)
Reply was "TEA" ( T - alphabet)

Alphabet "T" was before Alphabet "U"

Question 5: Where Lord Rama would have celebrated his "First Diwali"?
People will start thinking of Ayodya, Mitila [Janaki's place], Lanka etc...

But the logic is, Diwali was a celebrated as a mark of Lord Krishna Killing Narakasura.
In Dusavataar, Krishnavathaar comes after Raamavathaar.

So, Lord Rama would not have celebrated the Diwali At all!

Question 6: The interviewer asked to the candidate "This is your last question of the interview.
Please tell me the exact position of the center of this table where u have kept your files."

Candidate confidently put one of his finger at some point at the table and told that this was the central point at the table.
Interviewer asked how did u get to know that this being the central point of this table,
then he answers quickly that sir u r not likely to ask any more question, as it was the last question that u promised to ask.....

And hence, he was selected as because of his quick-wittedness. ........

This is What Interviewer expects from the Interviewee. ....

bollywood ..jokes

1.) SSC + HSC + BMS + MBA = UNEMPLYOMENT .

2.) An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.

3.) Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.

4.) 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = 4 minute song in Hindi movie.

5.) Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favourite serials.

6.) Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan = Abhishek Bachchan -Talent.

7.) Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan

8.) 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda

9.) 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan

10.) 1 person + straight hair + unstraight walk = Sanjay dutt

11.) 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol

12.) One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four hundred Relatives + A house bigger
than Buckingham Palace = One Sooraj Barjataya'sFilm.

13.) One man + one woman = Isha Deol

14.) Time waste - time = Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi

15.) Boring songs + heavy dialogues + Bogus dressing = Devdas

16.) New heroes + New heroins = a flop movie

17.) Old heroes + new heroins = a blunder

18.) Old heroes + old heroins = timepass

19.) action - suspense + comedy - thrill - story - clothes = Indiansuperhit movie

20.) Do aur do paanch = Indian algebra
1 Lady - 1 Brain = Aishwarya Rai
1 Lady - 1/2 Clothes = Mallika Sherawat
1 Lady + 1 Buffalo = Yana Gupta

Educated lady


Never Argue with a Woman One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book' she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm
sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 'Yes, but I see you
have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that,
I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he
left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Gay chicken

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.


Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.


Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired...


Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?


Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.


Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.


Young cock :

O.K. What kind of competition?


Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.


Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.


Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.


Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.


Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Patni lays off employees

MUMBAI: After Tata Consultancy Services and IBM Global Services, Patni Computer Systems has laid off close to 400 employees citing non-performance issues.

The country’s sixth-largest exporter said it was part of a routine appraisal exercise, carried out every year to weed out non-performers, and not related to any slowdown issues.

“This was an absolutely regular appraisal that is important for any performance-driven organisation. It is something standard we do every year. Employees who have got 0-1 rating on a scale of 5 typically form the basis for the first-level shortlist. These are performance-based resignations; we’ve not issued any termination letters,” said Rajesh Padmanabhan, executive vice-president and head, global HR, Patni.

He said the comparable figure for last year was 148.

In February this year, in the backdrop of a pronounced slowdown in the US, TCS had asked about 500 employees to leave for non-performance. Shortly afterwards, IBM was reported to have laid off 700 freshers.

In case of TCS, the figure was about 0.5 per cent of its total workforce and for IBM, about 1 per cent of its India workforce. For Patni, the figure is closer to 3 per cent of its 14,800 workforce.

A Patni spokesperson said the company continued to be a net hirer. “Retrenchment is a word used when you are facing negative growth or no growth and cutting down on your labour costs. We continue to recruit -- the number of new employees we intend to hire, according to our quarterly results communication, is about 2,000,” said a Patni spokesperson.

Industry sources said the employees were asked to leave a fortnight ago and some of them were even at the designation of project manager.

“Usually, these do not happen at project manager levels. But I know in this case, a project manager working on a GE (General Electric) contract was asked to leave,” said a source, with knowledge on the development, who did not wish to be identified.

Some people in the industry attributed the layoffs to the challenging business outlook Patni and other software companies were facing.

“The performance index is being unfairly used on people on the bench. These employees are not working due to lack of projects,” said a person closely associated with a number of software companies.

Bench is a term used to indicate employees who are not working on any available projects because they are undergoing training or are between projects.

As a strategy, companies also maintain a bench in readiness for new projects. In a slowdown, because of postponement or cancellation of projects, the bench size increases more than what companies plan for.

The Patni stock has risen 15 per cent on the BSE in one month on the expectations of a buyback, which has now been announced for July 10. In the same period, the IT index has gained 2.43 per cent. On Tuesday, the stock ended almost flat at Rs 238.70 on BSE.

Source :Indiatimes

Monday, July 14, 2008

Balanced life

A Long time ago, there was an Emperor who told his horseman that if he could
ride on his horse and cover as much land area as he likes, then the Emperor
would give him the area of land he has covered. Sure enough, the horseman
quickly jumped onto his horse and rode as fast as possible to cover as much land
area as he could. He kept on riding and riding, whipping the horse to go as fast
as possible.

When he was hungry,thirsty or tired, he did not stop because he wanted to cover
as much area as possible. Came to a point when he had covered a substantial area
and he was exhausted and was dying. Then he asked himself,

"Why did I pushed myself so hard to cover so much land area? Now I am dying and
I only need a very small area to bury myself."

The above story is similar with the journey of our Life. We push very hard
everyday to make more money, to gain power and recognition. We neglect our
health, time with our family and to appreciate the surrounding beauty and the
hobbies we love to do.

One day when we look back, we will realize that we don't really need that much,
but then we cannot turn back time for what we have missed. Life is not about
making money, acquiring power or recognition. Life is definitely not about work!
Work is only necessary to keep us living so as to enjoy the beauty and pleasures
of life.

Lessons to Learn from The Story:

Life is a balance of Work and Play, Family and Personal time. You have to decide
how you want to balance your Life. Define your priorities, realize what you are
able to compromise but always let some of your decisions be based on your
instincts.

Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of Life, the whole aim of human
existence. So, take it easy, do what you want to do and appreciate nature. Life
is fragile, Life is short. Do not take Life for granted. Live a balance
lifestyle and enjoy Life!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Logical and legal joke

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

****************

Whom to marry in software cycle

Vidhya: hey! what is the matter you have called up all of a sudden?

Nithya : do u remember that my parents gave my horoscope, to search for a

suitable match, to many people? So many horoscopes of the groom has come..

in that 4-5 seems to match.. I don't know which one to select, I am

confused because of it.

Vidhya: what is the confusion about?

Nithya: horoscopes of many software engineers have come. It seems now a

days, the software guys are wanting to marry girls in the other field.

That's why I don't know whom I must select among this. You are a

software engineer na pls give me some suggestion .

vidhya: not a problem at all. So tell me the position that each one holds.

nithya: first is a manager.

vidhya: manager?? Then he will showcast himself that he is busy always. But

he will not do anything properly. He will get u 1 kg of rice and ask you to

prepare for the whole area say a village. He will get you mutton and ask

you to prepare chicken 65. Even if you protest telling you can't make it,

he'll not accept. He will tell you to work hard day and night to prepare

it. He will also tell he'll provide you with the night cab. Even if you ask how can I prepare chicken 65 out of it by sitting day and night he will not accept.

Nithya: ohh..so dangerous he is!! Then I must escape. Next is a test engineer.

vidhya: he is more dangerous than the other person. Whatever you do he will

correctly tell only the fault in it. Even if you try to surprise him with

10 variety of food, he will tell the item which does not have salt in it.

If you ask him "will you not at least tell that it is good", he will reply

back saying it is your duty to make it good so why must I tell that. He is

sooo good.

Nithya: then a NO to him also. Next is the performance test engineer.

vidhya: he is another specimen.. even if everything is good, he will ask

why did it take this much time. If you take 10 minutes to make a coffee, he

will question you asking why you have taken 10 min for a coffee which can

be done within 5 min. Even if you say that he is talking about the instant

coffee while you have made the filter coffee, he will not accept. The same

will be with all the work you do. You must not think about this person if

you want to do make up in your life !!!

Nithya: then! you mean to say that we should not marry software guys??

Vidhya: who said like that?? In software there is one more group. They are

called the developers group. How much ever you hit them they will bear.

Nithya: then tell about them.

Vidhya: you don't have to do anything. They will do everything themselves.

If we sit back and just boost them it is enough. But the problem with them

is- they will say "I know it" whatever you ask them.

Even that is ok. They will bear how much ever you hit them but the

condition is you must keep saying "you are too good" after hitting them

every time.

Nithya: this is superb. Then we must search for this kind of a groom….

Thursday, July 10, 2008

SAP recruitment satyam

Software engineer after death

A Software Engineer dies in a car accident and finds himself at the heavens door "Pearly Gates". A beautiful music is being played and all angels are dancing around and singing his name. There is a huge crowd and everyone is screaming his name. The engineer is very delighted and surprised.


Then he sees "Saint Peter" rushing towards him and shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations my son, we have been waiting a very long time to meet you".

The engineer is very embarrassed and asks "Saint Peter, congratulations for what? I honestly didn't do much while I was alive. Then why is all this?"

Saint Peter totally amazed says, "Congratulations for what!!! We're celebrating the fact that you lived for 260 years! .... GOD himself wants to meet you!"

The engineer looks perplexed, "but Saint Peter, I only lived until 36 years"

Saint Peter is shocked "This is impossible son. We have added up all your timesheets."

Monday, July 7, 2008

Telephone and proud India


An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
World.
















So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.













On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
Noticed a golden telephone



mounted on the wall with a sign that read
'$10,000 per call'.














The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
The telephone was used for.














The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.














The American thanked the priest and went along his way.














Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.














He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.














She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He
Could talk to God.














'O.K., thank you,' said the American.















He then traveled to Pakistan , Srilanka , Russia , Germany and France .














In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000
Per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to

See if Indians had the same phone.














He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, there
Was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read

'One
Rupee per call.'














The American was surprised so he



asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden
Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to

Heaven,
But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.














Why is it so cheap here?'














Readers, it is your turn........ Think .....before you scroll down...














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The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in India now, Son - it's a

Local
Call'.
This is the only heaven on the Earth.














KEEP SMILING














If you are proud to be an Indian pass this on!!!
I know dat u'll pass on!!!!!

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Software wife and husband

class Indian_Bachelor_female_professional
{
double styles;
short skirts;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge();
char non_co_operative;
};

class Married_female_Software_Professional
{
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossips;
float hopes;
void work();
char unstable;
};

class Female_Engaged_software_professional
{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding();
char edgy;
};

class Indian_Newly_Married_software_professional
{
double dinner_invitations;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_breaks;
float talks;
void bank_balance();
char hen_pecked;
};

class Indian_husband_wife_software_professional
{
double income;
short temper;
long time_no_see;
float new_software_company;
void lov
};
Class Guy_who_wrote_this
{
Long time_on_bench;
Void work();

}

Train joke

A Rajasthani, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He`d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the rail tracks one day, he hears this whistle — Whooee da Whoee! — but doesn`t know what it is. Predictably, he`s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks.
It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he`s at his friend`s house attending a party one evening.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a iron rod from the nearby shelf and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what`s happened and asks the desert man, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they`re small."

Friday, July 4, 2008

Sardar jokes


Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab.
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.

Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi
petrol se start hoti hai.

Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why
are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler

Interviewer : When is your birthday.
Sardar : 13th Oct.
Interviewer : which year ?
sardar : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.

Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any
one before you die?
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.

On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our
engagement
day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the
computer.
Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright

Best proposal

Best prayer

BMW building

Pure veggy

Attitude matters

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Santa and librarian

Santa stormed up to the front desk of the library in London and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, sir?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book

African safari ..lions playing with us